Beautiful Calling: Death Before Birth: Having Isaiah Part II

Photo by kudomomo

To catch up: Miscarriage Basics, Isaiah’s Birth Story Part I

Having Isaiah

My husband had to go to work as there were things that he had to be there for. He left about 7:40am. At 8:05am, I was lying on my bed and having calmed down, I was reading my bible. I suddenly felt the urge to have a bowel movement. Having never had a child before and having read very little on the subject, I didn’t realize that many times in childbirth that is what the need to push feels like. I got up, went to the bathroom and, don’t ask me why (I don’t know), when I sat down to go, I wadded up some toilet paper and held it in between my legs so that while I went to the bathroom, I wouldn’t lose anything more. I when I took the paper away to put it in the toilet, Isaiah came out along with a gush of fluid and blood. I say Isaiah but it was actually a oval shaped sac a little smaller than your computer mouse. It was about half the height though. I screamed, and threw myself on the floor and seriously lost it. I cried and yelled, and said “no, no no”. That lasted just a few moments, and then I ran to the phone and called my doctor. He said to call an ambulance and go to emergency, bringing anything that I had passed in with me. I didn’t want to take an ambulance so I called Scott. He had been at work less than 1/2 hour but he said he would be right home. I got a baggie and put my baby into it. I put the baggie into a paper bag, threw on a pair of sweatpants and went downstairs to wait for Scott.

Our Hospital Experience

Having arrived at the hospital about 8:30am, I went up to the counter where they took my “products of conception” and registered me. They showed me to a small private room where Scott and I stayed until about 10:00am when they told us that we would have an ultrasound about 2pm. I wasn’t thinking before I left home, there was so much going on. I should have thought to bring a change of underwear, additional pads, some wipes and perhaps something to pass the time. I eventually had to venture out and ask a nurse for additional pads as I was soaking them. Scott and I sat in the little room. He had a magazine. Sometimes we talked but mostly I stared at the wall, cried, and walked because it helped to ease all the cramping. Having never experienced a delivery, I did not know that these were actually the same pains as early labor. We had our ultrasound at 2pm and then back to our little room to wait. No one would tell me a thing. The entire day, though I think I did know that he was gone, I held out hope that it would still be OK. There was something wrong but surely they could fix it and our baby would be just fine! It was a crazy notion because all day, I kept making trips to the washroom, passing more blood and more tissue. At 5pm the doctor came in. I don’t remember much except that our baby was gone. She gave us the options of letting the remaining tissue pass naturally (which can take weeks), some drugs to speed it up (can still take a week or so) or a D&C. It is a personal decision and there are no right or wrong answers. Based on the ultrasound and how much I still had remaining, she thought it best to have a D & C since if I didn’t pass it all naturally then I would have to come back for the D & C anyway. To be honest, I was glad for someone else to make the decision. I just couldn’t think. Since it was confirmed with ultrasound that Isaiah was gone, I just wanted that trauma part to be over. Passing clots and tissue that entire day was so hard because that had once been my sweet Isaiah. We waited until they could fit us in. D & C is a surgery where they go in and remove the remaining tissue but since Isaiah was dead, it wasn’t a priority for the hospital so we had to wait. We got in just before 11pm that night. I remember lying on the table as the surgeon told me to count backwards from 5. I think I got to 4 and then remember, clearly as a bell, starting to go and in that second thinking, “Thank God”. I was just so thankful to be out of it. I think at that moment had I been given the opportunity to just stay under the anesthetic, I would have gladly accepted. About an hour later, I woke up. the cramping was mostly gone. It was about 12:30 and Scott and I headed home.